Happy Labor Day :)

OK so today's labor day! Thank you all the great people who work!!! :) It is Monday obviously and a 3-day weekend makes this a fab day!!!  Today my family is having a dinner with brisket, mashed potatoes, salad and roasted cauliflower. Yes I am helping to cook everything and I just finished baking a blueberry peach crumb pie, courtesy of the lovely Giada de Laurentiis.  I love cooking and baking, it is partly my ED but partly I really have a passion for it! No i do not eat meat or pie or mashed potatoes but I am planning on eating the cauliflower and salad if there is no dressing inside it.  A close friend of mine is coming to dinner and I have never eaten in front of him so I am kind of nervous about that.  Even writing this it sounds so ridiculous like why would anyone be scared and anxious to eat cooked vegetables in front of a friend who knows almost everything about you!? I have no idea im blaming it on the ED.  I realized that for most people this is just a dinner with friends having a good time, socializing.  For me it is all about the food the calories, the bloating, the guilt of eating cooked cauliflower, the estimating of how many calories the olive oil spray is.  This is very stressful for me and it should not be.  My friend knows about my ED although he does not fully understand it her thinks just do what makes you happy even if it does literally kill you . . . He undermines the severity of it all but is still a great support.  I just feel so judged and vulnerable when I eat food, especially in front of people other than myself and one other person on this planet.  I have been losing weight so slowly! On Saturday my therapy session went shitty! I am not doing the best health wise and my therapist is talking to my parents about me needing to drop school,work and everything to go to an inpatient treatment center. Tomorrow will be the final decision I hope I can just stay here and maybe do outpatient.  I am kind of giving up in recovery but half of me still wants to fight everything so I hope my ED does not overtake my life with these decisions.  I am 18 I should have the biggest say in whether I go to treatment or not.  Then again I do live in my parents house so it is pretty much there rules for the most part . . . On a positive note I follow this girl on youtube: Kam Ozten, she is great she has an ED and is very open about it.  She said she would check out my blog so if you are reading this thanks you are really sweet :) I am very inspired by her because compared to her older videos she seems to be a lot better.  I can still see the struggle but she seems like shes still fighting! :) I hope one day she is fully recovered! I hope soon I am blogging about a dinner that is just a dinner not a FREAK OUT about it.  Wishing everyone a great day & week.  I hope to survive this Manic Monday! XOXO

JEANS!!!!!!!!!

Hello :) So i was shopping a lot on vacation and the 1 thing I told myself I would not do because I knew it would be triggering was jean shopping! But because I am who I am that was the first thing I did when I got to PACSUN. Yesss it was triggering it made me want to never eat again but I did not do that instead I just focused on being healthier and I bought 2 jeans so that was positive! I bought a size that fits me, I was so tempted to buy a jean size or two smaller than I am right now but I decided not to because I have been losing weight a lot slower lately and also because I wanted to challenge myself by not fully abiding to my ED.  Off from jeans, which was an improvement for me I have therapy tomorrow! Yes on a Saturday! I am stressed with school and just had to see her ASAP since I need to vent to someone non judgmental.  She is making/suggesting me to write an essay on who I am without my ED which right now I have no idea! I identify myself so much with restriction and I don't really feel like I am anything without that behavior. Which is sad but honest! I hope soon I do not feel that way.  I have felt like I am ONE with my ED for two years now! The essay well with all the school work I have it just hasn't been going anywhere! Once I actually do it I can post it here if anyone wants to read it! I hope everyone is doing really well.  I have been wanting to attach pictures of food but my camera has not been working :( I am really just steadily going down and I see myself but I can't pick myself up! I HATE MY ED!!!!!! & what it has done to me but I also love how it helps me cope with the rest of my life or at least temporarily....

Survived Vacation

So I came back yesterday from my vacation at a Country Club in Palm Desert, CA. It was so nice and very relaxing.  In those 6 days my ED only attacked me strongly 2 days which out of 6 is AMAZING!!! Now physically I tried to eat "normal" with my family on Wednesday, I arrived to the desert on Monday and two days later I was like my family is unhappy im restricting I should just try to eat more. So I did.. they ate Chinese food; I ate broccoli & vegan chicken and that was monumental since I have issues with restaurant food I can do it but anxiety will be up the roof! So I was like "Nicky you are not going to purge or spend 6 hours swimming, just RELAX" oh and if that was not enough I shared a brownie with my mom.  This was SOOOOO horrifying because I have HUGE issues with unhealthy food but I was trying to not let my ED make my family relationships on vacations takeover so I did it. I stayed in the room, did not exercise watched "Ray Donovan" and just tried to ignore the voices in my head screaming at me that I am a disgusting, worthless, FAT pig.  My stomach was in so much pain and after 4 hours I was throwing up uncontrollably even water. It was so awful I seriously thought I was going to die!!! I called my friend who stayed by me while I was freaking out because I was like beyond freezing shaking and couldn't stop throwing up.My stomach was sensitive the rest of the trip so I could not eat very much because I did not want to purge so physically the trip was shitty.  But I had a lovely time with my family and I hiked and swam and walked a lot. I also did lots of crafts & tanning with my little sister which was surprisingly nice & I went shopping which I am just going to devote another post to that experience since this is already getting way too long! But anyways I love exercising and when I was doing stuff like hiking, swimming, etc. I had a blast it was not to burn calories just fun because I love to do those things. However on Friday I was on the treadmill at the clubs gym & that was just my ED talking, it was not fun since my knees were in pain from hiking.  But in 6 days I only did that once so I am making progress.  I hope everyone is doing better than I am!! Oh and I started school yesterday.  Sooo the relapse that started 1 month ago is just not getting better.  I feel like besides the trip I have taken 10 steps backwards from recovery! If you guys are recovered or recovering please share tips with me or email me I REALLY need the support!!! Thank you lovelies!!!

Losing It (not literally)

OK so today was my doctors appointment.  It was supposed to just be a physical and it was just so pointless, the nurse forgot I get weighed backwards and my ED would not let me tell her otherwise.  So inevitably I saw the number on the scale.  I was balling in the doctor's office, I could not contain the misery I felt with how high and unsatisfactory that number was to me.  I have barely eaten in 3 weeks so the last thing I expected was to suddenly have gained a bit of weight and have normal blood pressure which for me normal is low blood pressure.  It is like number wise I am as healthy as a horse.  In reality,  I might be worst than ever before.  I am looking at treatment centers in September, I need to fight harder.  It sucks to feel like you are physically a wreck but somehow the numbers just don't add up.  My anxiety is so high that my MD prescribed xanax (she is not a psychiatrist) so that shows how messed up I was in her office.  The thing that was very frustrating was that my check up wasn't supposed to be until November, the office made a mistake.  My ED is going to kill me if things do not change and the one thing I have always been good at is just not working,  Weight gain right now feels like a gargantuan fail.  I am just in a web of self loathing about not being able to lose weight! :( I hope that all my readers are doing great! please e-mail me or comment I really need the support or advice! Either or would be amazingly appreciated!

Some Freedom & Decisions

OMG!!!! Hiii Everybody or nobody . . . I dont know! if anyone is reading this all I have to say is IM SOOOO Excited.  Yesterday I took my driving test for the first time & I passed :) :) :) I have my license! I feel so free, it is sooo nice and just feels amazing! On the other hand I am not so excited I have four treatment centers to choose from and I am not even sure if I really want to go to treatment.  I am just very nervous and not sure whether to just fall harder in my "relapse" or really put all my energy into recovery.  I feel so much more in control when I restrict, it is like I am back home.  It may be a weird concept but I feel so much better, a small part of me still wants/needs recovery! A break from my eating disorder which lately feels like a full time job would be nice.  I am just lost at which direction I want to take.  It is weird because when I made my first post I was 100% recovery all for it but things just quickly spiraled out of control and it is so easy to slip back into restriction it is like it takes its toll overnight! Hope everything is going better and more steady for you guys! Love you all!!!

Last Day of Group Therapy!!!

OK so Today about 2 hours ago was my last session in group therapy... It was very emotional but I am glad it is done! There were cupcakes! vanilla cake with vanilla frosting... I did not eat it because it would have triggered me to purge and I have not purged in 14 days and I do not want to start again! Plus its unhealthy and it would have given me so much anxiety! I am starting a new group which is going to be a strictly ed group soon and I think it is three times per week.  Also my parents want me in an Intensive Outpatient Program pronto because they have noticed the slipping aka restricting A LOT.  Tomorrow I have my drivers test (I couldn't drive before because my ED was really bad) I am super excited but NERVOUS I do not want to fail!!!I also have to meet with my new therapist and rant about a few things.  Other than my restricting taking a hold on me again and SOOO quickly I am doing good! I am so excited for vacation/holiday in 1 week.  I am going to Palm Desert which is so nice and relaxing! ED wise I am happy I will be able to swim all day (calorie burn & fun) and also food wise I am not sure I probably will just eat raw vegetables when everyone is eating their meals so that they do not nag on me too much! Anyways that is how things are going and I hope everyone is recovering and please share recovery tips! And a big tip that I would find SUPER helpful would be how to eat with friends? I hang out with friends but I just can not eat in front of them not even "safe" foods.  If my friend sleeps over and is with me for 1 day or 2 those days will be fasting days because I just CAN NOT eat.  If anyone has any advice comment I would love to hear from you!!! XOXO

Slipping More& More

Took a long journey to get to a healthy BMI a lot of tears and stress but have been "healthy" weight wise. Currently I am slipping i have not purged since last Monday which is great for me since purging is recent and I hated it sooo much but just got caught in the binge/purge cycle which is partly what caused my weight gain.  I am trying a new eating disorder therapist tomorrow morning so I'm quite nervous.  I happen to be a super anxious human being so meeting new people just FREAKS ME OUT sooooo much sometimes! On Monday is my last day of group and they are bringing cupcakes to say goodbye.  That is stressing me out A LOT. I want to be normal and just eat it and be happy the group is over with but 1) i dont like cupcakes and 2) if i did manage to eat it to be polite I would feel so guilty and have such a horrible day and my anxiety would be unbearable that it just is not worth it!!! Eating disorder wise I am slipping and so hard and fast! I was really in recovery mode but just the desire to lose weight crept up on me stronger and stronger and now that is my only goal again.  Other than that I have been having a really great week.  But obsessing on weight loss is obviously far from great! super annoying!!! I wish I didn't but for now I can't help it! As for food I had been vegan this whole year and I stopped last Monday because for me it was causing me to binge and hence purge, maybe that is because I don't eat grains or legumes so I was not getting protein like at all... I went vegan because I don't like meat or dairy or any animal products.  But vegetarianism has stopped my binges and when I was really underweight I was always a vegetarian so I'm finally back to that.  It is partly my ED; I feel like such a failure but at this time it is right for me! If I ever fully recover and conquer my fear foods of nuts,legumes and grains I will definitely become vegan again! I do eat nuts but only when I plan on purging! I am trying to make them a safe food but they are so caloric so it is really hard! I hope everyone is doing really well and sticking to positive thinking and hope for recovery! If you have any tips to get back the motivation to recover or tips to prevent a full blown relapse please leave a comment.. I want to hear advice or stories of yours... Love to everyone out there who has accidentally stumbled to my blog :)

Name Changer!!!

OK so I changed the name of my blog from "Nicky Eats and Sometimes Cheats" to "Nickys ED living Hell."  Why did I change the name, mainly because I fell that the 1st one eating and cheating makes my blog sound like it is all about food or diet, like a weight loss healthy living diet site.  And while I may sometimes mention food or healthy eating in this blog it is mainly about my Eating Disorder or EDs in general... so yeahh... Plus Living in a nightmare/hell is what I have felt throughout my eating disorder.  Sure there were the good feeling moments in the beginning when I just lost weight every week and my health wasn't in horrible jeopardy... but then after those moments it just became a misery to live in.  My world became just me and my ED tangled in a web of obsessions and lies.  Eating and cheating in the first title I had does not captivate that struggle.  And recovery is even a bigger hardship! YESS I have heard it is worth it and am on the recovery road but with being so deceived by my ED it is just so hard to know if recovery for me is a right thing.  Well if anyone comments and has any suggestions to change the name of this blog again... leave them in the comments! :) thanks! I am willing to change the name a third time after all the third times a charm! right? haha anyways Hope everyone is on the road to being happy and healthy :D

Hello Hello!!! :)

OK so I love the Beatles! I think most people do love them! They are the bees knees! I have been listening to them since i was 2 years old that I can remember anyways "Hello Goodbye" has been frantically playing in my head all day!!! OK so back to my point on posting! (The title of this post is because of that song! haha) Sorry got sidetracked SOOO I have only been posting a handful of times since I started this blog and that is because of 3 main reasons: 1) nobody is commenting so I feel kind of crazy just posting this when nobody is reading it and 2) I have never been good with diaries unless I'm counting calories (sad!i know) but that's why I havent been to consistent b/c this kind of feels like a diary right now... and 3) I have not been doing that great and I like to be more on the positive side like that saying my mom has always said since I was little: "If you have nothing nice to say don't say nothing at all!" Alrighty so those are my main reasons but I didn't make this blog just to show the great side of recovery! SO for that reason I will be posting at least once a week even If nobody reads this! This is a commitment I am making for the month of August so I will definitely stick to it!!! I am scared I am really relapsing and I am fighting that dark place like I was never in a good place throughout this whole attempted recovery but I was not completely involved in just the shitt place I feel I am slipping back into!!! Ughhh does not matter I will still be posting if anyone happens to read this and wants to see an old meal plan just comment bellow and I will for sure post it!! Sooo I survived 4th of July not in the best way I just drank myself into a frenzy but I hope next year I will be in the moment and conscience and not have to resort to being dazed and confused because of my ed food anxieties!!! The 16th I have a doctors appointment and I am so nervous for it!!! I wish the best to all of my invisible readers! I love you all!!! Will post very soon! XOXO

4th of July is around the corner?

OK I know this may sound crazy but I have been FREAKING out about 4th of July. I always hate how much emphasis on food there is and it is just detramental to my sanity! Like I love talking to people I have not seen in a while but sometimes it is just a pain in the ass! For example if I am too skinny people will be trying to get me to eat a lot and I will feel very uncomfortable, if I'm on the verge or minimally a healthy weight my relatives will be like ohhh you have gained weight! Or you look so different you are more womanly! IDK it drives me crazy! Anyways it is like June 13 so this should not even be freaking me out but it is! If anyone has any tips to deal with remarks please let me know! Thanks so much :)

ED CHOICES?

SOOOO in the ED recovery process I have realized essentially there are three choices, now I do not want to be morbid I'm just brutally honest, you have 1) recovery (something I hope all of you with ED's get including me 1 day) 2) transferring to another ED and 3) death. Currently, I would way I was completely on the verge of death and I did not care one bit but now it is like I am too tired to fight this , like I have no energy and I can not fight everyone and everything so I am eating. But I am not where I can eat and be OK I am purging and right now twice a day. I had never purged before on a regular basis but now sometimes I'm even binging because I feel so guilty for eating which makes no sense but whatever... and I am just involved with my #2 ED stage. IT SUCKS!!!!!!!!! I wish I would have just let myself die because I spend all day purging now I want to stop. I am gaining and gaining and gaining. . . . . But I have a doctors appointment soon so I am going to restrict as long as I possibly can, because right now I feel if I pass a certain amount of calories it's fine but I am going to spend the rest of the day purging and exercising(not simultaneously)well maybe a little since I did purge at the gym this week. Anyways I feel like with anorexia which now feels like I am in a bulimia phase I just have no choice. I know everyone says there is always a choice but currently I do not feel like a victim I just feel like this is my life like clothes you have the choice to be naked but you are obviously going to wear clothing outside. With my ED I should eat normally but it does not feel like a choice I feel tormented and like just eating, swallowing and moving on is not an option. Anyways I am going to attach a pic of a meal I made for brunch ironic I know but I must show this because I did not purge it or fast the next days so I feel like this was really positive! This was vegan meatballs with 1 zucchini peeled and cooked in 1.2 cup marinara sauce, it was sooo good it is scarier admitting that than it was eating it but it is really GREAT! hope everyone is doing great! I want to hear about people's story with their ED, love everyone :) (STAY safe and beautful even if your ED says otherwise!)

Struggling!!!

So I have been extremely hopeless! I went to group therapy this week and the group leader asked If I could see myself being ED'd free. I was like all on board with recovery and now I am giving up because I honestly do not see myself ever having a "healthy" relationship with food, so I do not see what I am really recovering and continuing to gain weight for! It just really really sucks! I am not fitting into my skinny jeans this week which is like a life crisis for me right now! I am still going to go to group therapy next week but as far as sticking to my meal plan I do not see it happening, my mind tells me I do not need that much food and not fitting into my skinny jeans just confirms that!

New to blogging

Ok so I follow blogs and they have helped so much in my recovery or my attempted recovery.  They can also be extremely destructive.  Now I was never part of the proana community but On days this year that I still felt FAT even though I have been in recovery all year I would fast and just check out other blogs and it would help me starve.  I do not want my blog to give people ideas or make them worst.  I do however want to just spill my guts out and write my progress as I continue to recover.  If anyone wants to email me about their own problems, like if they want to talk about their eating disorder with someone, email me at: nickysedrelatedblog@gmail.com So I named my blog Nicky eats and sometimes cheats because it rhymed, hahaha I know it is really cheesy but it is what it is, I was dreaming about food as I do when I have restricted to much and that just popped in my head since my name is obviously Nicky.  Anyways the cheat part really makes sense for me because I was restrictive type anorexic, in fact thats the only eating disorder I have ever been diagnosed with but this year while recovering eating more was so hard to bare that illogically I started to binge because my weird mind thought that the pain from binging was being in control.  I was under surveilance because I was still 17 so I thought well if I cant be allowed to not eat and everyone wants me to eat I minus well eat until it hurts.  I hated it but I felt that it was a way to have control over my body instead of being tube fed and no control, it was stupid! Either way the first weeks I just binged probably 1400 calories a day which was like CRAZY a lot for me and I didn't gain weight but then I felt like I was without control.  So I started purging, and now I feel like anything can just lead me cheating myself out of recovery or relapsing.  I will probably blog more this week even if nobody reads this because I am relapsing into restricting not binging and purging since I can't afford it my teeth are so crappy now.  At least restricting will take a little longer for my teeth to get bad... again! My posts will not always be so eatingdisorded, like sometimes I may post about healthy eating.. ironic I know but throughout my whole 2 years of eating disorder hell I have been orthorexic through thick and thin.  I am more scared of unhealthy food than I am at getting fatter which is insane! Hopefully if you are reading this which I don't know why you would be since it is too long and probably boring but I hope to get in contact with any of you! I also hope to be free of food weight and exercise obsessions but for now I will just be posting!
PS I didnt edit this post so if it reads crappy then oopsy XOXO Nicky