ED CHOICES?

SOOOO in the ED recovery process I have realized essentially there are three choices, now I do not want to be morbid I'm just brutally honest, you have 1) recovery (something I hope all of you with ED's get including me 1 day) 2) transferring to another ED and 3) death. Currently, I would way I was completely on the verge of death and I did not care one bit but now it is like I am too tired to fight this , like I have no energy and I can not fight everyone and everything so I am eating. But I am not where I can eat and be OK I am purging and right now twice a day. I had never purged before on a regular basis but now sometimes I'm even binging because I feel so guilty for eating which makes no sense but whatever... and I am just involved with my #2 ED stage. IT SUCKS!!!!!!!!! I wish I would have just let myself die because I spend all day purging now I want to stop. I am gaining and gaining and gaining. . . . . But I have a doctors appointment soon so I am going to restrict as long as I possibly can, because right now I feel if I pass a certain amount of calories it's fine but I am going to spend the rest of the day purging and exercising(not simultaneously)well maybe a little since I did purge at the gym this week. Anyways I feel like with anorexia which now feels like I am in a bulimia phase I just have no choice. I know everyone says there is always a choice but currently I do not feel like a victim I just feel like this is my life like clothes you have the choice to be naked but you are obviously going to wear clothing outside. With my ED I should eat normally but it does not feel like a choice I feel tormented and like just eating, swallowing and moving on is not an option. Anyways I am going to attach a pic of a meal I made for brunch ironic I know but I must show this because I did not purge it or fast the next days so I feel like this was really positive! This was vegan meatballs with 1 zucchini peeled and cooked in 1.2 cup marinara sauce, it was sooo good it is scarier admitting that than it was eating it but it is really GREAT! hope everyone is doing great! I want to hear about people's story with their ED, love everyone :) (STAY safe and beautful even if your ED says otherwise!)