Losing It (not literally)

OK so today was my doctors appointment.  It was supposed to just be a physical and it was just so pointless, the nurse forgot I get weighed backwards and my ED would not let me tell her otherwise.  So inevitably I saw the number on the scale.  I was balling in the doctor's office, I could not contain the misery I felt with how high and unsatisfactory that number was to me.  I have barely eaten in 3 weeks so the last thing I expected was to suddenly have gained a bit of weight and have normal blood pressure which for me normal is low blood pressure.  It is like number wise I am as healthy as a horse.  In reality,  I might be worst than ever before.  I am looking at treatment centers in September, I need to fight harder.  It sucks to feel like you are physically a wreck but somehow the numbers just don't add up.  My anxiety is so high that my MD prescribed xanax (she is not a psychiatrist) so that shows how messed up I was in her office.  The thing that was very frustrating was that my check up wasn't supposed to be until November, the office made a mistake.  My ED is going to kill me if things do not change and the one thing I have always been good at is just not working,  Weight gain right now feels like a gargantuan fail.  I am just in a web of self loathing about not being able to lose weight! :( I hope that all my readers are doing great! please e-mail me or comment I really need the support or advice! Either or would be amazingly appreciated!