Slipping More& More

Took a long journey to get to a healthy BMI a lot of tears and stress but have been "healthy" weight wise. Currently I am slipping i have not purged since last Monday which is great for me since purging is recent and I hated it sooo much but just got caught in the binge/purge cycle which is partly what caused my weight gain.  I am trying a new eating disorder therapist tomorrow morning so I'm quite nervous.  I happen to be a super anxious human being so meeting new people just FREAKS ME OUT sooooo much sometimes! On Monday is my last day of group and they are bringing cupcakes to say goodbye.  That is stressing me out A LOT. I want to be normal and just eat it and be happy the group is over with but 1) i dont like cupcakes and 2) if i did manage to eat it to be polite I would feel so guilty and have such a horrible day and my anxiety would be unbearable that it just is not worth it!!! Eating disorder wise I am slipping and so hard and fast! I was really in recovery mode but just the desire to lose weight crept up on me stronger and stronger and now that is my only goal again.  Other than that I have been having a really great week.  But obsessing on weight loss is obviously far from great! super annoying!!! I wish I didn't but for now I can't help it! As for food I had been vegan this whole year and I stopped last Monday because for me it was causing me to binge and hence purge, maybe that is because I don't eat grains or legumes so I was not getting protein like at all... I went vegan because I don't like meat or dairy or any animal products.  But vegetarianism has stopped my binges and when I was really underweight I was always a vegetarian so I'm finally back to that.  It is partly my ED; I feel like such a failure but at this time it is right for me! If I ever fully recover and conquer my fear foods of nuts,legumes and grains I will definitely become vegan again! I do eat nuts but only when I plan on purging! I am trying to make them a safe food but they are so caloric so it is really hard! I hope everyone is doing really well and sticking to positive thinking and hope for recovery! If you have any tips to get back the motivation to recover or tips to prevent a full blown relapse please leave a comment.. I want to hear advice or stories of yours... Love to everyone out there who has accidentally stumbled to my blog :)