JEANS!!!!!!!!!

Hello :) So i was shopping a lot on vacation and the 1 thing I told myself I would not do because I knew it would be triggering was jean shopping! But because I am who I am that was the first thing I did when I got to PACSUN. Yesss it was triggering it made me want to never eat again but I did not do that instead I just focused on being healthier and I bought 2 jeans so that was positive! I bought a size that fits me, I was so tempted to buy a jean size or two smaller than I am right now but I decided not to because I have been losing weight a lot slower lately and also because I wanted to challenge myself by not fully abiding to my ED.  Off from jeans, which was an improvement for me I have therapy tomorrow! Yes on a Saturday! I am stressed with school and just had to see her ASAP since I need to vent to someone non judgmental.  She is making/suggesting me to write an essay on who I am without my ED which right now I have no idea! I identify myself so much with restriction and I don't really feel like I am anything without that behavior. Which is sad but honest! I hope soon I do not feel that way.  I have felt like I am ONE with my ED for two years now! The essay well with all the school work I have it just hasn't been going anywhere! Once I actually do it I can post it here if anyone wants to read it! I hope everyone is doing really well.  I have been wanting to attach pictures of food but my camera has not been working :( I am really just steadily going down and I see myself but I can't pick myself up! I HATE MY ED!!!!!! & what it has done to me but I also love how it helps me cope with the rest of my life or at least temporarily....