Happy Labor Day :)

OK so today's labor day! Thank you all the great people who work!!! :) It is Monday obviously and a 3-day weekend makes this a fab day!!!  Today my family is having a dinner with brisket, mashed potatoes, salad and roasted cauliflower. Yes I am helping to cook everything and I just finished baking a blueberry peach crumb pie, courtesy of the lovely Giada de Laurentiis.  I love cooking and baking, it is partly my ED but partly I really have a passion for it! No i do not eat meat or pie or mashed potatoes but I am planning on eating the cauliflower and salad if there is no dressing inside it.  A close friend of mine is coming to dinner and I have never eaten in front of him so I am kind of nervous about that.  Even writing this it sounds so ridiculous like why would anyone be scared and anxious to eat cooked vegetables in front of a friend who knows almost everything about you!? I have no idea im blaming it on the ED.  I realized that for most people this is just a dinner with friends having a good time, socializing.  For me it is all about the food the calories, the bloating, the guilt of eating cooked cauliflower, the estimating of how many calories the olive oil spray is.  This is very stressful for me and it should not be.  My friend knows about my ED although he does not fully understand it her thinks just do what makes you happy even if it does literally kill you . . . He undermines the severity of it all but is still a great support.  I just feel so judged and vulnerable when I eat food, especially in front of people other than myself and one other person on this planet.  I have been losing weight so slowly! On Saturday my therapy session went shitty! I am not doing the best health wise and my therapist is talking to my parents about me needing to drop school,work and everything to go to an inpatient treatment center. Tomorrow will be the final decision I hope I can just stay here and maybe do outpatient.  I am kind of giving up in recovery but half of me still wants to fight everything so I hope my ED does not overtake my life with these decisions.  I am 18 I should have the biggest say in whether I go to treatment or not.  Then again I do live in my parents house so it is pretty much there rules for the most part . . . On a positive note I follow this girl on youtube: Kam Ozten, she is great she has an ED and is very open about it.  She said she would check out my blog so if you are reading this thanks you are really sweet :) I am very inspired by her because compared to her older videos she seems to be a lot better.  I can still see the struggle but she seems like shes still fighting! :) I hope one day she is fully recovered! I hope soon I am blogging about a dinner that is just a dinner not a FREAK OUT about it.  Wishing everyone a great day & week.  I hope to survive this Manic Monday! XOXO

JEANS!!!!!!!!!

Hello :) So i was shopping a lot on vacation and the 1 thing I told myself I would not do because I knew it would be triggering was jean shopping! But because I am who I am that was the first thing I did when I got to PACSUN. Yesss it was triggering it made me want to never eat again but I did not do that instead I just focused on being healthier and I bought 2 jeans so that was positive! I bought a size that fits me, I was so tempted to buy a jean size or two smaller than I am right now but I decided not to because I have been losing weight a lot slower lately and also because I wanted to challenge myself by not fully abiding to my ED.  Off from jeans, which was an improvement for me I have therapy tomorrow! Yes on a Saturday! I am stressed with school and just had to see her ASAP since I need to vent to someone non judgmental.  She is making/suggesting me to write an essay on who I am without my ED which right now I have no idea! I identify myself so much with restriction and I don't really feel like I am anything without that behavior. Which is sad but honest! I hope soon I do not feel that way.  I have felt like I am ONE with my ED for two years now! The essay well with all the school work I have it just hasn't been going anywhere! Once I actually do it I can post it here if anyone wants to read it! I hope everyone is doing really well.  I have been wanting to attach pictures of food but my camera has not been working :( I am really just steadily going down and I see myself but I can't pick myself up! I HATE MY ED!!!!!! & what it has done to me but I also love how it helps me cope with the rest of my life or at least temporarily....

Survived Vacation

So I came back yesterday from my vacation at a Country Club in Palm Desert, CA. It was so nice and very relaxing.  In those 6 days my ED only attacked me strongly 2 days which out of 6 is AMAZING!!! Now physically I tried to eat "normal" with my family on Wednesday, I arrived to the desert on Monday and two days later I was like my family is unhappy im restricting I should just try to eat more. So I did.. they ate Chinese food; I ate broccoli & vegan chicken and that was monumental since I have issues with restaurant food I can do it but anxiety will be up the roof! So I was like "Nicky you are not going to purge or spend 6 hours swimming, just RELAX" oh and if that was not enough I shared a brownie with my mom.  This was SOOOOO horrifying because I have HUGE issues with unhealthy food but I was trying to not let my ED make my family relationships on vacations takeover so I did it. I stayed in the room, did not exercise watched "Ray Donovan" and just tried to ignore the voices in my head screaming at me that I am a disgusting, worthless, FAT pig.  My stomach was in so much pain and after 4 hours I was throwing up uncontrollably even water. It was so awful I seriously thought I was going to die!!! I called my friend who stayed by me while I was freaking out because I was like beyond freezing shaking and couldn't stop throwing up.My stomach was sensitive the rest of the trip so I could not eat very much because I did not want to purge so physically the trip was shitty.  But I had a lovely time with my family and I hiked and swam and walked a lot. I also did lots of crafts & tanning with my little sister which was surprisingly nice & I went shopping which I am just going to devote another post to that experience since this is already getting way too long! But anyways I love exercising and when I was doing stuff like hiking, swimming, etc. I had a blast it was not to burn calories just fun because I love to do those things. However on Friday I was on the treadmill at the clubs gym & that was just my ED talking, it was not fun since my knees were in pain from hiking.  But in 6 days I only did that once so I am making progress.  I hope everyone is doing better than I am!! Oh and I started school yesterday.  Sooo the relapse that started 1 month ago is just not getting better.  I feel like besides the trip I have taken 10 steps backwards from recovery! If you guys are recovered or recovering please share tips with me or email me I REALLY need the support!!! Thank you lovelies!!!

Losing It (not literally)

OK so today was my doctors appointment.  It was supposed to just be a physical and it was just so pointless, the nurse forgot I get weighed backwards and my ED would not let me tell her otherwise.  So inevitably I saw the number on the scale.  I was balling in the doctor's office, I could not contain the misery I felt with how high and unsatisfactory that number was to me.  I have barely eaten in 3 weeks so the last thing I expected was to suddenly have gained a bit of weight and have normal blood pressure which for me normal is low blood pressure.  It is like number wise I am as healthy as a horse.  In reality,  I might be worst than ever before.  I am looking at treatment centers in September, I need to fight harder.  It sucks to feel like you are physically a wreck but somehow the numbers just don't add up.  My anxiety is so high that my MD prescribed xanax (she is not a psychiatrist) so that shows how messed up I was in her office.  The thing that was very frustrating was that my check up wasn't supposed to be until November, the office made a mistake.  My ED is going to kill me if things do not change and the one thing I have always been good at is just not working,  Weight gain right now feels like a gargantuan fail.  I am just in a web of self loathing about not being able to lose weight! :( I hope that all my readers are doing great! please e-mail me or comment I really need the support or advice! Either or would be amazingly appreciated!

Some Freedom & Decisions

OMG!!!! Hiii Everybody or nobody . . . I dont know! if anyone is reading this all I have to say is IM SOOOO Excited.  Yesterday I took my driving test for the first time & I passed :) :) :) I have my license! I feel so free, it is sooo nice and just feels amazing! On the other hand I am not so excited I have four treatment centers to choose from and I am not even sure if I really want to go to treatment.  I am just very nervous and not sure whether to just fall harder in my "relapse" or really put all my energy into recovery.  I feel so much more in control when I restrict, it is like I am back home.  It may be a weird concept but I feel so much better, a small part of me still wants/needs recovery! A break from my eating disorder which lately feels like a full time job would be nice.  I am just lost at which direction I want to take.  It is weird because when I made my first post I was 100% recovery all for it but things just quickly spiraled out of control and it is so easy to slip back into restriction it is like it takes its toll overnight! Hope everything is going better and more steady for you guys! Love you all!!!

Last Day of Group Therapy!!!

OK so Today about 2 hours ago was my last session in group therapy... It was very emotional but I am glad it is done! There were cupcakes! vanilla cake with vanilla frosting... I did not eat it because it would have triggered me to purge and I have not purged in 14 days and I do not want to start again! Plus its unhealthy and it would have given me so much anxiety! I am starting a new group which is going to be a strictly ed group soon and I think it is three times per week.  Also my parents want me in an Intensive Outpatient Program pronto because they have noticed the slipping aka restricting A LOT.  Tomorrow I have my drivers test (I couldn't drive before because my ED was really bad) I am super excited but NERVOUS I do not want to fail!!!I also have to meet with my new therapist and rant about a few things.  Other than my restricting taking a hold on me again and SOOO quickly I am doing good! I am so excited for vacation/holiday in 1 week.  I am going to Palm Desert which is so nice and relaxing! ED wise I am happy I will be able to swim all day (calorie burn & fun) and also food wise I am not sure I probably will just eat raw vegetables when everyone is eating their meals so that they do not nag on me too much! Anyways that is how things are going and I hope everyone is recovering and please share recovery tips! And a big tip that I would find SUPER helpful would be how to eat with friends? I hang out with friends but I just can not eat in front of them not even "safe" foods.  If my friend sleeps over and is with me for 1 day or 2 those days will be fasting days because I just CAN NOT eat.  If anyone has any advice comment I would love to hear from you!!! XOXO

Slipping More& More

Took a long journey to get to a healthy BMI a lot of tears and stress but have been "healthy" weight wise. Currently I am slipping i have not purged since last Monday which is great for me since purging is recent and I hated it sooo much but just got caught in the binge/purge cycle which is partly what caused my weight gain.  I am trying a new eating disorder therapist tomorrow morning so I'm quite nervous.  I happen to be a super anxious human being so meeting new people just FREAKS ME OUT sooooo much sometimes! On Monday is my last day of group and they are bringing cupcakes to say goodbye.  That is stressing me out A LOT. I want to be normal and just eat it and be happy the group is over with but 1) i dont like cupcakes and 2) if i did manage to eat it to be polite I would feel so guilty and have such a horrible day and my anxiety would be unbearable that it just is not worth it!!! Eating disorder wise I am slipping and so hard and fast! I was really in recovery mode but just the desire to lose weight crept up on me stronger and stronger and now that is my only goal again.  Other than that I have been having a really great week.  But obsessing on weight loss is obviously far from great! super annoying!!! I wish I didn't but for now I can't help it! As for food I had been vegan this whole year and I stopped last Monday because for me it was causing me to binge and hence purge, maybe that is because I don't eat grains or legumes so I was not getting protein like at all... I went vegan because I don't like meat or dairy or any animal products.  But vegetarianism has stopped my binges and when I was really underweight I was always a vegetarian so I'm finally back to that.  It is partly my ED; I feel like such a failure but at this time it is right for me! If I ever fully recover and conquer my fear foods of nuts,legumes and grains I will definitely become vegan again! I do eat nuts but only when I plan on purging! I am trying to make them a safe food but they are so caloric so it is really hard! I hope everyone is doing really well and sticking to positive thinking and hope for recovery! If you have any tips to get back the motivation to recover or tips to prevent a full blown relapse please leave a comment.. I want to hear advice or stories of yours... Love to everyone out there who has accidentally stumbled to my blog :)