4th of July is around the corner?

OK I know this may sound crazy but I have been FREAKING out about 4th of July. I always hate how much emphasis on food there is and it is just detramental to my sanity! Like I love talking to people I have not seen in a while but sometimes it is just a pain in the ass! For example if I am too skinny people will be trying to get me to eat a lot and I will feel very uncomfortable, if I'm on the verge or minimally a healthy weight my relatives will be like ohhh you have gained weight! Or you look so different you are more womanly! IDK it drives me crazy! Anyways it is like June 13 so this should not even be freaking me out but it is! If anyone has any tips to deal with remarks please let me know! Thanks so much :)

ED CHOICES?

SOOOO in the ED recovery process I have realized essentially there are three choices, now I do not want to be morbid I'm just brutally honest, you have 1) recovery (something I hope all of you with ED's get including me 1 day) 2) transferring to another ED and 3) death. Currently, I would way I was completely on the verge of death and I did not care one bit but now it is like I am too tired to fight this , like I have no energy and I can not fight everyone and everything so I am eating. But I am not where I can eat and be OK I am purging and right now twice a day. I had never purged before on a regular basis but now sometimes I'm even binging because I feel so guilty for eating which makes no sense but whatever... and I am just involved with my #2 ED stage. IT SUCKS!!!!!!!!! I wish I would have just let myself die because I spend all day purging now I want to stop. I am gaining and gaining and gaining. . . . . But I have a doctors appointment soon so I am going to restrict as long as I possibly can, because right now I feel if I pass a certain amount of calories it's fine but I am going to spend the rest of the day purging and exercising(not simultaneously)well maybe a little since I did purge at the gym this week. Anyways I feel like with anorexia which now feels like I am in a bulimia phase I just have no choice. I know everyone says there is always a choice but currently I do not feel like a victim I just feel like this is my life like clothes you have the choice to be naked but you are obviously going to wear clothing outside. With my ED I should eat normally but it does not feel like a choice I feel tormented and like just eating, swallowing and moving on is not an option. Anyways I am going to attach a pic of a meal I made for brunch ironic I know but I must show this because I did not purge it or fast the next days so I feel like this was really positive! This was vegan meatballs with 1 zucchini peeled and cooked in 1.2 cup marinara sauce, it was sooo good it is scarier admitting that than it was eating it but it is really GREAT! hope everyone is doing great! I want to hear about people's story with their ED, love everyone :) (STAY safe and beautful even if your ED says otherwise!)

Struggling!!!

So I have been extremely hopeless! I went to group therapy this week and the group leader asked If I could see myself being ED'd free. I was like all on board with recovery and now I am giving up because I honestly do not see myself ever having a "healthy" relationship with food, so I do not see what I am really recovering and continuing to gain weight for! It just really really sucks! I am not fitting into my skinny jeans this week which is like a life crisis for me right now! I am still going to go to group therapy next week but as far as sticking to my meal plan I do not see it happening, my mind tells me I do not need that much food and not fitting into my skinny jeans just confirms that!