Happy Labor Day :)

OK so today's labor day! Thank you all the great people who work!!! :) It is Monday obviously and a 3-day weekend makes this a fab day!!!  Today my family is having a dinner with brisket, mashed potatoes, salad and roasted cauliflower. Yes I am helping to cook everything and I just finished baking a blueberry peach crumb pie, courtesy of the lovely Giada de Laurentiis.  I love cooking and baking, it is partly my ED but partly I really have a passion for it! No i do not eat meat or pie or mashed potatoes but I am planning on eating the cauliflower and salad if there is no dressing inside it.  A close friend of mine is coming to dinner and I have never eaten in front of him so I am kind of nervous about that.  Even writing this it sounds so ridiculous like why would anyone be scared and anxious to eat cooked vegetables in front of a friend who knows almost everything about you!? I have no idea im blaming it on the ED.  I realized that for most people this is just a dinner with friends having a good time, socializing.  For me it is all about the food the calories, the bloating, the guilt of eating cooked cauliflower, the estimating of how many calories the olive oil spray is.  This is very stressful for me and it should not be.  My friend knows about my ED although he does not fully understand it her thinks just do what makes you happy even if it does literally kill you . . . He undermines the severity of it all but is still a great support.  I just feel so judged and vulnerable when I eat food, especially in front of people other than myself and one other person on this planet.  I have been losing weight so slowly! On Saturday my therapy session went shitty! I am not doing the best health wise and my therapist is talking to my parents about me needing to drop school,work and everything to go to an inpatient treatment center. Tomorrow will be the final decision I hope I can just stay here and maybe do outpatient.  I am kind of giving up in recovery but half of me still wants to fight everything so I hope my ED does not overtake my life with these decisions.  I am 18 I should have the biggest say in whether I go to treatment or not.  Then again I do live in my parents house so it is pretty much there rules for the most part . . . On a positive note I follow this girl on youtube: Kam Ozten, she is great she has an ED and is very open about it.  She said she would check out my blog so if you are reading this thanks you are really sweet :) I am very inspired by her because compared to her older videos she seems to be a lot better.  I can still see the struggle but she seems like shes still fighting! :) I hope one day she is fully recovered! I hope soon I am blogging about a dinner that is just a dinner not a FREAK OUT about it.  Wishing everyone a great day & week.  I hope to survive this Manic Monday! XOXO